Journal Entry 28: Learning to Listen

Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 28: Learning to Listen

          There are people who will disagree with me on this, but we can speak to Jesus. Now, I would love for Jesus to show up with a witty smile on his face knowing he’s about to shock and awe me with a knocking at my front door. That would be incredible. This is not what I’m talking about when I mean speaking with Jesus. I’m referring to inward communion with Jesus through prayer and communication. My teacher in this is John Eldredge, a great author, who, has spent most of his adult life teaching others how to communion with Jesus. But, like I said, some people are going to buck at the idea of Jesus speaking to us, yet, I will tell my story from my experience and let those who want to hear, listen.

          When asking myself what I want out of life one major desire is to be with Jesus and not screw it up. Jesus’ love is eternal, more powerful than that of a mother’s over her firstborn after she’d been told she would never have kids. Jesus’ love is beyond my understanding, yet, I still have this lingering fear I can somehow fall out of it, even though his word tells us once we are his he will never let us go.

“And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” John10: 28 KJV

          So, my fear is irrational, but it is there. Over that existing fear though is the desire to actually commune with Jesus. In my head I can see us chilling by a campfire, him telling stories, and laughter flowing freely. This is my ideal moment, and hopefully I’ll have such a moment in heaven. Here on Earth in my mortal body I can still stride for a relationship with Jesus, but it’s through conversation/prayer and teaching myself to find refuge in him.

          I’m assuming most people have a basic idea of what prayer is. If you do not, it really is, down to the base level, just talking to God openly. Some will tell you it’s rigid prayers by morning and night and with many bows and prostrating yourself on the floor beneath the most high God. Meh, I disagree. Prayer is talking to Jesus and being real with him. When Jesus was with his disciples he spoke to them, laughed with them, and corrected them. Jesus sat with sinners and feasted with them, and I seriously doubt these sinners where quiet, eyes bowed to their laps, kinds of people. Prayer is communing with Jesus.

          Taking refuge in Jesus is something I’m just now starting to truly understand. I don’t know how I missed this for so many years, but only within the last two weeks have I started this intentionally. Refuge in Jesus is to take shelter with him, to run to him, in all things and all times. If you have a great day it may be easy to pull yourself towards Jesus and take rest with him. On a bad day, well, you may be a bit annoyed or frustrated at Jesus, but you should still take refuge, take shelter and safety, with Jesus. We don’t always understand why something happens to us, but we can, with faith, hope, and love, trust Jesus. So, the second thing I’ve been working on that I want out o this life is to learn how to always take refuge in Jesus.

          Prayer and refuge with Jesus are supposed to bring an open relationship with Jesus on a daily level. The hard part, it actually takes practice, time, and devotion. I already messed up and need to stop here to pray for Jesus’ help on writing this article. When you want to build a relationship with Jesus you talk to him, bring everything to him, and ask him what he wants.

Example: I want to be a writer, to make these journals a way of reaching people and caring for my family through some side income at the same time. My prayer on this is for Jesus to, please, let me know if this is the direction he wants me to go in. I am asking Jesus for direction on this, and I am expecting an answer. He may give me an answer soon or I may have to wait for what could be a week, a month, a year, but I am going to keep talking to Jesus on this and many more things. I am new to this type of communion with Jesus, so I am still learning to hear and trust Jesus’ voice over the chaos of my own mind. Jesus wants to have a relationship with us, so I know in time I will become that sheep who hears his shepherd, knows him, and follows him by the sound of his voice.

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:” John 10: 27, KJV

          Being able to speak to Jesus and him speak back is going to take effort on my part. I accept this. It would be nice if Jesus just started rambling off like an old friend wanting to talk my ear off. This is not, for me, how it will work. Time, learning to pray to Jesus about life choices, directions to go in, about my pains and my desires, and even what we should do today, will build that relationship of trust and love for me. I say trust, because, I don’t trust me and my mind all the time. I need confirmation for me to truly trust what Jesus is telling me.

          Example: I have, like I said above, been learning and practicing a more constant and personal prayer with Jesus along with learning to take refuge in Jesus. My prayer’s lately have been about direction, purpose in my life, and listening for Jesus’ reply. Tuesday of this week on my ride home I turned on my YouTube playlist it generates for me. I don’t usually listen to music on the way home. I’m usually deep within a book, but that day I had a real desire for music, so I pushed play on my phone and my car started the playlist. I was in tears with the first song.

          1st song: Lindsey Stirling, Eye of The Untold Her – The song is about Lindsey being told she wasn’t good enough by some judges when she went out for Americas Got Talent. She is a solo violinist that dances and performs in a way that amazes me, but in her beginnings she was put down. The song is about her younger self almost putting down the violin, but an older version of her, several older versions of her, appear and reveal to the younger Lindsey that she’s not done. Lindsey, if you don’t know her, is a world famous violinist, a huge hit on YouTube, music videos, dances, and more, and she has held concerts that rival any singer/band. And the end of the song, she adds one thing with her own voice, “Not good enough . . . yet.”

          While this song played, and I may have played it 3 times over, I heard Jesus telling me ‘you are good enough.’ And ‘We’re not finished yet.’ The words were powerful for me. I usually don’t think I’m worth much or good enough, not in a depressed pity me way, but more like my life hasn’t been all that much of a light to those shrouded in darkness. Jesus, telling me, ‘We’re not finished yet,’ assured my tears would fall. Jesus isn’t finished with me here and the light we (I love that he says ‘we’) will spread.

          2nd Song: Joe Nester, Letting It Go – I’m learning to take refuge in Jesus, and this song was a well placed hug by Jesus. My history is a rough one, but Jesus rescued me, and he has rescued me several times over. Weight on my shoulder, a verse in the song, is what I feel as a husband and father fighting back finances, trying to be there for everyone, and hoping they’re learning Jesus faster than I am. There were no words from Jesus on this song that I remember, but a hug, an affirmation of his love. I came from a family where I was cared for but hugs, ‘I love you’, wasn’t given out, almost never. Jesus, since the night I gave him my life and asked him to save me, has given me hugs that are emotional wraps of energy that almost always make me shed joyful tears.

          3rd Song: Joe Nester, Come Out – Is a song all about evicting demons from our lives. This is, I think, Jesus confirming this is him speaking to me, as I tend to mistrust my own thoughts. I loved the first song, and I felt Jesus speak to me. I felt Jesus hug me on the second song, but my mind still worried I was making this all up and I was but a fool. Then, this song landed next, and I laughed at my own doubt and I told those demons to GET OUT. I had just finished a book on spiritual warfare that day at work, and here was a song casting out demons. Jesus was telling me, ‘yes, it’s me.’

          Intellectual argument can say it was my own playlist, so of course these songs were on it. I won’t fall into a back and forth, especially with myself, but I will put that the only song that I had previously heard and liked that should have popped up on the play list was the 2nd song.

          I am praying, I am seeking refuge in Jesus, and yes, I am learning how. I will have to practice a relationship with Jesus every day. You don’t keep friends or build a relationship with anyone by ignoring them and only calling on them when you need something. Why would it be different for Jesus?

          Jesus sent me these songs, and in the order they came in, to answer me, love me, and give me confirmation. It was a good day, and I am thankful. Then almost as if to remind me that I need to take refuge in him, commune with him, in the good and bad times, Wednesday one of my children flushed wads of wipes down the toilet. That was a rough night, but I still took refuge in him and though dead tired took time to write to Jesus in my prayer journal.

          If you want a relationship with Jesus you’ll have to run to him and trust him through all times, celebrations, and the struggles.

          Trust that Jesus Loves You.