We knew the first weeks would be the hardest on us. We weren’t wrong. I will tell anyone that the first five months are the most difficult, and I still believe it. The truth is, children are a blessing from God, but blessings from God aren’t always easy. Babies all the way up to grown adults, are still your children and your blessing from God. They will always need you; they’ll just need you in different ways.

     Catching Up: So, my previous article, Journal Entry 28, was about communing with Jesus and ended on a high note about Jesus speaking to me through these three songs in a way that was amazing and brought me tears of joy. I also ended that article with a tid bit about praising and running to Jesus even in the rough times like when my child decided that very next day to flush wads of wipes down the toilet. This is the article about that next day and those wipes.

There are people who will disagree with me on this, but we can speak to Jesus. Now, I would love for Jesus to show up with a witty smile on his face knowing he’s about to shock and awe me with a knocking at my front door. That would be incredible. This is not what I’m talking about when I mean speaking with Jesus. I’m referring to inward communion with Jesus through prayer and communication. My teacher in this is John Eldredge, a great author, who, has spent most of his adult life teaching others how to communion with Jesus. But, like I said, some people are going to buck at the idea of Jesus speaking to us, yet, I will tell my story from my experience and let those who want to hear, listen.

“God, what the heck?” I was on hold with my insurance company, and I wanted to punch a hole through my desk. More likely I’d break my hand, so probably good I didn’t try. Every call I made, each person I spoke to, a dead end. Finally, I gave up the fight for the night and told myself to try again tomorrow. But I was still angry with God, angry that he let this happen and held us down, AGAIN. God, being God, dropped a rescue line down for me within my own fuming fires.

“Remember,” I smiled, trying to not be too serious. “We’re saved by grace. It’s by grace, not us.” She paused and for a moment seemed to take in my words. With that I jokingly added that neither of us were perfect, so thank Jesus we have grace. Then, I left the room to continue on my rounds.

Today I went back to work. Today I missed my morning silliness with my toddlers. Today I missed spending the morning with my wife and being able to help her with our newborn. Today I missed holding my newborn, Ember, and being able to spend so much more time with her. Today I missed a family gathering around the living room with my in-laws, sis, and our family for most of the early day. I came home at the end of it, tired, barely able to keep my eyes open. Today I went back to work, because, that’s what my family requires of me, but I didn’t want to go.

By the title you can probably guess this journal entry is about our daughter. Ember, now 2 days old, has entered the wild place of Earth. This is another blessing from God, and thank you Jesus, she is healthy. Mom is well, she needed a couple pints of blood, but besides that, everything is good with her and she’s on the several weeks long path of healing and getting her body back to normal. Rainy told me she’s just happy to have no more tubes or IV’s stuck to her.

Ever had a song, movie, poem, painting or even a moment in a piece of clip art or video game story catch your heart and make you pause? I have. These moments are time stoppers for me. Not that I stop time, that would be interesting, but that I pause while time moves around me. These moments, these pieces of expressive art, act like warm light inviting me to see beyond the darkness that seems to keep rallying around me in this broken world.

The scary part is that bad things, evil, true evil, happens to people, even our loved one’s. Sometimes we're their and we have the chance to stop it, yet, there will be times we won't be there. I have two grown daughters that are out in the world, and I pray and hope for them, but I'm not there to protect them. God is, and, as I told my son, sometimes, for reasons I don't truly understand, God allows evil to happen to us.

I’m a geek, especially when it comes to strategy based games. Civilization VII just came out, and I snatched it up the moment I could. It’s basically a giant strategy game that spans the dawn of time up to the modern age. You take control of a single kingdom that starts out tiny, and you, through many decisions and challenges, build a legacy. With one settler it all begins.

        God plays a strategy game with all of us. He started with Adam, added Eve, and here we are thousands of years later. Me being the geek that I am, I get amazed at the idea of the moves God had to do to get me here where I am today.

I’ll jump into this admitting I don’t understand. Probably not a great way to start an article, but it’s the truth that I’m trying to share here. Lately my mind has been bouncing around God’s creation, the how of it, and the why of it. God created us. I get that part. There is more than enough obvious proof that there is a being beyond time and creation that had to start all of this. Evolution and any other theory you throw at God, fails; because, every other theory tries to force a creation out of nothing. This is impossible no matter how much ‘time’ you throw at it. God, a being beyond time and creation, is the only answer, yet people will fight this.

Currently I’m going through Brandon Sanderson’s Stormlite Archive. He recently released book 5, and of course, I have to listen to book 1 – 4 all over again; before I listen to book 5.

Without giving out spoilers, I’m just going to say I was at a part in book 3 where advice was being given by a jovial, spry, old king to one of the main characters. During the part in the book a realization struck me and then came out of me without warning. The old king was giving advice and being kind yet bluntly honest, and a question went through my mind.

-  What about this scene tugs so hard on my heart? -

My wife is about a month and a couple weeks away from pushing out our 7th daughter, Ember. What can I say, God gave me pink sperm, so I have two boys and about to be 7 girls. Sadly, yet beautifully, we males of the house are greatly outnumbered. Even though we’re out numbered, I wouldn’t know a life worth living without being surrounded by my children. God has blessed this family in multitudes, and I am thankful.

We’re in the new year, 2025, and in my journal entries there is a large gap. There’s a great many days skipped in my prayer journal, the Bible study book I’m reading hasn’t seen pages turned in weeks, and this is familiar ground. There is a constant struggle, a battle, going on not just on earth but in our own hearts and minds.

          I want to grow closer to Jesus. This is a decision made, that turns out I have to make every morning I wake and even throughout the day sometimes. Why is it so hard to focus and go after my king, Jesus? Because choosing Jesus is THE decision, THE eternal decision, that satan, our broken Earth, and our own inner sinful nature go against.

Went several years back to an old book, The Sacred Romance, by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis. The book is over 15 years old now, but it still hits home like a truck crossing into your lane with no warning. I have the book buried in my collection somewhere in one of my tubs of books my wife hides from me claiming to be “organizing.” I had a free credit on Audible, so I just got it on there to listen. The part about arrows brought me face to face with shadows I’d been ignoring to the best of my abilities.

  I write this to say, ‘hey, I get it.’ You’re not alone. Life is hard, and it, honestly, is meant to be that way. The moment Eve decided to disobey, and the moment Adam did nothing to stop her or defend her from Satan’s lies, we fell to a hard life. Their sin ruined things for us all, broke the world, and broke the bond between us and God. Thankfully the story didn’t just end there. God fought for us every step of the way even when we failed him each time.

 Oddly enough I’ve been awaken in the middle of the night/stupidly early morning so many times I think I’m starting to expect it. Can you get PTSD from being woken up to some problem after another? I don’t know, but it feels like it. I was pulled out of a wonderfully deep sleep, again, last week by my wife and oldest son.

          My wife and son, Rainy and Reid, immediately began to tell me that a leak was pouring down into Reid’s room.

As messed up as it is I have two marriages I can speak of. My first was a ‘shotgun’ wedding; where, I knocked up my girlfriend and jumped into a courthouse marriage with her to try and make things right. I was saved, but I did not know Jesus well. I knew the teachings enough to know I was in the wrong. I did not have a relationship with Jesus. I didn’t even know what having a relationship with Jesus meant at the time. I listened to my lust and desires instead of wisdom. The fallout was horrible.

          My second marriage, still going thankfully, is one based on a much better foundation, Jesus.

Sometimes my home is a storm of laughter/joy and sometimes my home is a storm of, well, chaos, frustration, and arguments. I think for some there is this misconception that a Christian based home is supposed to be all sunshine and cool breezes. A Christian home is still a home full of human beings from large to small, young to old, male and female. We humans are flawed sinners that are broken; that, are just coming into this world and don’t know what to do half the time. Christian homes, like most, suffers learning curves, experiences ups and downs, and still deals with struggles. These struggles come as worldly, individual, and family struggles. What is the difference between a worldly home and a Christian home is Jesus.

The battle for one’s soul is an internal one first, and only shows outwardly after the battle’s outcome has been decided.

What was one of the hardest things about Christianity for me to grasp? The internal struggles that I can’t physically see or fight off.

What’s still difficult for me to do? Fight internal battles over my soul and everything that seems to want to help me fail. Thankfully I have Jesus, and he is the best comrade we could ever have.