Lil, barely to my waist while standing on her toes, took a different approach. I had to walk the boy home, with my daughter in tow, to explain to the dad that his son had a giant line across his face that was bruising fast, because my daughter had decided to hit him with a pole. Incase you're wondering, the dad was cool, but the boy never came back over. Lil did get her toy back.

Deflated.

          I don’t know what to do yet. I’m still thinking through things, and I’m clinging to Jesus to help me be a better man. Some things need to change in my house, my discipline on the kids defiance being one of them, but I will find a way that doesn’t require me being that fire of rage and stress. Jesus knows the way, and I am leaning on him to find the way. This feeling sucks, it sucks, but giving up isn’t an option. Jesus makes me stronger than that, and he’s why I’m still standing. Today sucked, tomorrow may not be any better, but I’m going to keep stepping forward with Jesus. Jesus will see me through this with a better way to be.

Long distance plan is to be debt free, completely debt free, within 5/6 years. With the power bill chopped down, cars paid off, house paid off, and some good grocery budgeting, no diapers or formula, we’ll be doing alright. Of course a lot of this depends on keeping the ball rolling without something getting in the way. This year we hit a wall that put a stop to our plans, but it didn’t break us. Now, the year coming to an end, things rounding back out, we’re ready to take another shot at it. God willing, we will keep moving forward towards the freedom of no debt.

I love my kids, and I thank God for them, but I wasn’t sacrificing my personal time for them. I take care of them, provide for them, talk about God and Jesus with them, have short conversations randomly, but I wasn’t going out of my way to make real time with them. It’s still amazing to me how well I managed to ignore this failing in myself. It was time to make some changes.

Before I get yall throwing up walls to defend against these words, I know money pays the bills. Some of us, sometimes, have to work just to survive. I work with someone who has two other jobs when she leaves the daycare, and she has to work to survive because of her situation. I'm not belittling such a fight. I've been there. I'm proud of my dad for all his accomplishments, for being that guy that would stop to help family, friends, and his neighbors. I just wish he'd found a better way to make that money without sacrificing so much.

What is a real man, well, it ain't nothing to do with tattoos and clothing choices. I've tried my wife's leggings, they feel good, but I look like a crazy guy going through a midlife crisis. I got a tattoo, but I can't convince myself to take money from my family to get me a sleeve like I want. A real man, best I can figure, is a man after God’s own heart. King David, Bible stuff, is maybe the best representative for fellow sinners that aren't Jesus Christ.

After writing this journal entry, I am glad I did. Reading it, going over it, this is something people struggle with. Not everyone has the same dreams or the same struggles, but I think a lot of us face this uncertainty about what we should be chasing and where God wants us to be. That’s what this is about. Me trying to figure out where God wants me to go, and me hoping I don’t mess it up by going the wrong way.

After Rainy had shocked and awed me with her story, we struck up a ‘work buddy’ kind of vibe. We’d see each other everyday at work, so it was easy to have a quick talk here and there. I was still in the dating world of horror, but my attention was being focused on this woman that I knew I couldn’t have.

I would never grow, if God just gave me what I wanted and left my life to easy roads. Give a child what he wants every time he asks, never let him be challenged, never force him to learn and apply himself, and he’ll be child all his life. Protect a child from everything harmful, no painful moments of emotional and physical thorns, and that child will remain a child. There will be no resilience, no strength, no growth within that child. God loves us enough and knows better than to just give us what we want.

Almost before my pen met paper I realized I'd been asking myself what I want my whole life. I continued the exercise, writing down my desires. This was no childish list for Santa, and I could see the point in voicing or writing to Jesus what I want, especially when leaving out the how of it. By the end of my list I was fairly satisfied with my desires, but also realized a piece of wisdom, and sadness, within my efforts.

For this journal entry I felt I needed, for myself, to put out there my thankfulness. Something was fighting me, and I just felt like I had to be defiant, sit down, and type out my thankfulness. Hopefully this may help some speak their own thankfulness.

Adam, the first man on the scene, was given purpose, a calling. His job was to care for the garden. Noah was tasked with building a giant floating box to survive the flood. Abraham was to listen to God and go where he was told and lay down the roots of what would become an entire Bible and God's people. Moses was made a leader of an entire people and a friend of God. David became a king, a poet, and a man-after-God’s-own-heart. None of these were jobs for money and retirement. All of them were God given purpose.

I’m fairly certain that the majority of us have those days, those overwhelming, life is happening, kind of days. I feel like that’s been us for the last two weeks! There’s a growing tradition within our family and we’re not the exception, I’m finding out. Every new school year when the kids start back to school, our house gets hit with colds, stomach viruses, and whatever else is circling out there. This isn’t hard to understand, if you think about it or are riding the same storm each year too.

“I am not worthy.” Fighting back tears, jaw clenched, I admitted those words to Jesus.

“No, your not.” Jesus replied to my agony with a half smile like he was holding back a laugh. “But I’m here anyways.”

A little thrown off by Jesus’ reply, I tried again. “I'm a failure.” I declared bitterly.

Jesus gently shook his head, no. “You're only a failure if you stop trying.”

Questions that need answering are: What changed the day from a depressive crud that it was? What overtook the darkness and replaced it with loving affection, healing, and finally me sitting here writing a journal worth writing?

    Love, to have true love that doesn’t fail, love that embraces and never falters, is a need within my soul. I don’t want to just have that love, I want the ability to give that love back without my defenses always going up ready to be hurt or failed. How much of this world is worth chasing compared to having a handful of people you can truly love and be loved by? For me, the world is worth very little in comparison.

When God reminded me of Romans 7, I was struggling. Seemed like every day I was calling out to Jesus for help against an evil I didn’t want to deal with and I didn’t understand why it was there at all. Then this verse, Romans 7: 21-25, showed up like an urgent text within my head and I breathed a little easier. Right there at work I stopped what I was doing, my emotions a mess, my heart off beat from the battles within me, and I prayed to Jesus.

This moment, simple and cute, made me smile. My wife asked me what was so funny, as she had noticed my childish grin. I told her it was just something you don’t usually see or read in romance stories. There we were in our living room during quiet time after the kids’ lunch, and we were eating our anniversary meal at our kids table with Arena happy as a puppy being given fries and sips of mom’s soda. The entire scene just felt good, wholesome, and real.

In less than a week, I decided to tell my wife that I can’t share her, and she can only have women friends, even on games. You can probably guess how well that went down. If you can’t guess, don’t worry, I’ll tell you. A three-day argument that almost destroyed us was the result.

Christians do not get a free ride down some easy lane or paved path. This year alone I paid off a loan, reduced another, and thought I was about to have some extra income. My home insurance jumped up and I could only find one other that was slightly cheaper. Thought I’d saved the family $300 a month, turns out the money gets to go somewhere else anyways. Life of escrow, if you know it, you feel my pain.