Almost before my pen met paper I realized I'd been asking myself what I want my whole life. I continued the exercise, writing down my desires. This was no childish list for Santa, and I could see the point in voicing or writing to Jesus what I want, especially when leaving out the how of it. By the end of my list I was fairly satisfied with my desires, but also realized a piece of wisdom, and sadness, within my efforts.

For this journal entry I felt I needed, for myself, to put out there my thankfulness. Something was fighting me, and I just felt like I had to be defiant, sit down, and type out my thankfulness. Hopefully this may help some speak their own thankfulness.

Adam, the first man on the scene, was given purpose, a calling. His job was to care for the garden. Noah was tasked with building a giant floating box to survive the flood. Abraham was to listen to God and go where he was told and lay down the roots of what would become an entire Bible and God's people. Moses was made a leader of an entire people and a friend of God. David became a king, a poet, and a man-after-God’s-own-heart. None of these were jobs for money and retirement. All of them were God given purpose.

I’m fairly certain that the majority of us have those days, those overwhelming, life is happening, kind of days. I feel like that’s been us for the last two weeks! There’s a growing tradition within our family and we’re not the exception, I’m finding out. Every new school year when the kids start back to school, our house gets hit with colds, stomach viruses, and whatever else is circling out there. This isn’t hard to understand, if you think about it or are riding the same storm each year too.

“I am not worthy.” Fighting back tears, jaw clenched, I admitted those words to Jesus.

“No, your not.” Jesus replied to my agony with a half smile like he was holding back a laugh. “But I’m here anyways.”

A little thrown off by Jesus’ reply, I tried again. “I'm a failure.” I declared bitterly.

Jesus gently shook his head, no. “You're only a failure if you stop trying.”

Questions that need answering are: What changed the day from a depressive crud that it was? What overtook the darkness and replaced it with loving affection, healing, and finally me sitting here writing a journal worth writing?

    Love, to have true love that doesn’t fail, love that embraces and never falters, is a need within my soul. I don’t want to just have that love, I want the ability to give that love back without my defenses always going up ready to be hurt or failed. How much of this world is worth chasing compared to having a handful of people you can truly love and be loved by? For me, the world is worth very little in comparison.

When God reminded me of Romans 7, I was struggling. Seemed like every day I was calling out to Jesus for help against an evil I didn’t want to deal with and I didn’t understand why it was there at all. Then this verse, Romans 7: 21-25, showed up like an urgent text within my head and I breathed a little easier. Right there at work I stopped what I was doing, my emotions a mess, my heart off beat from the battles within me, and I prayed to Jesus.

This moment, simple and cute, made me smile. My wife asked me what was so funny, as she had noticed my childish grin. I told her it was just something you don’t usually see or read in romance stories. There we were in our living room during quiet time after the kids’ lunch, and we were eating our anniversary meal at our kids table with Arena happy as a puppy being given fries and sips of mom’s soda. The entire scene just felt good, wholesome, and real.

In less than a week, I decided to tell my wife that I can’t share her, and she can only have women friends, even on games. You can probably guess how well that went down. If you can’t guess, don’t worry, I’ll tell you. A three-day argument that almost destroyed us was the result.

Christians do not get a free ride down some easy lane or paved path. This year alone I paid off a loan, reduced another, and thought I was about to have some extra income. My home insurance jumped up and I could only find one other that was slightly cheaper. Thought I’d saved the family $300 a month, turns out the money gets to go somewhere else anyways. Life of escrow, if you know it, you feel my pain.

Rainy’s parents, my fairly awesome in-laws, like to give us marriage devotionals each year. So far we’ve tried them and set them down after a few nights trying to read them. This year seemed to be going the same way until I tried a different tactic. Rainy loves getting letters from me, so I thought I’d try reading one of our devotional books one day at a time and leave my thoughts written down along the pages for Rainy.

My questioning isn’t if Jesus loves me or not. My questioning is am I wasting time writing these journal entries and chasing after our business? Is this the path I should be going, or am I being a fool? Should I turn around, try something else? Why do I ask this, because I haven’t seen Jesus move on either of these paths except within myself.

On this subject I’m on both ends of the parenting life. My previous journal entry spoke of being grounded by my newborn, and that’s true. Rainy and I are proud yet tired parents of a little girl, Ember, who turned 4 months old today. We’re also parents of two daughters in their twenties and now parents of their own baby girls. Our family ain’t small, and there’s a lot of estrogen flooding the branches these years. With older kids that turn adults there’s a new part of parenting I’m learning, being forgotten, and it sucks.

We knew the first weeks would be the hardest on us. We weren’t wrong. I will tell anyone that the first five months are the most difficult, and I still believe it. The truth is, children are a blessing from God, but blessings from God aren’t always easy. Babies all the way up to grown adults, are still your children and your blessing from God. They will always need you; they’ll just need you in different ways.

     Catching Up: So, my previous article, Journal Entry 28, was about communing with Jesus and ended on a high note about Jesus speaking to me through these three songs in a way that was amazing and brought me tears of joy. I also ended that article with a tid bit about praising and running to Jesus even in the rough times like when my child decided that very next day to flush wads of wipes down the toilet. This is the article about that next day and those wipes.

There are people who will disagree with me on this, but we can speak to Jesus. Now, I would love for Jesus to show up with a witty smile on his face knowing he’s about to shock and awe me with a knocking at my front door. That would be incredible. This is not what I’m talking about when I mean speaking with Jesus. I’m referring to inward communion with Jesus through prayer and communication. My teacher in this is John Eldredge, a great author, who, has spent most of his adult life teaching others how to communion with Jesus. But, like I said, some people are going to buck at the idea of Jesus speaking to us, yet, I will tell my story from my experience and let those who want to hear, listen.

“God, what the heck?” I was on hold with my insurance company, and I wanted to punch a hole through my desk. More likely I’d break my hand, so probably good I didn’t try. Every call I made, each person I spoke to, a dead end. Finally, I gave up the fight for the night and told myself to try again tomorrow. But I was still angry with God, angry that he let this happen and held us down, AGAIN. God, being God, dropped a rescue line down for me within my own fuming fires.

“Remember,” I smiled, trying to not be too serious. “We’re saved by grace. It’s by grace, not us.” She paused and for a moment seemed to take in my words. With that I jokingly added that neither of us were perfect, so thank Jesus we have grace. Then, I left the room to continue on my rounds.

Today I went back to work. Today I missed my morning silliness with my toddlers. Today I missed spending the morning with my wife and being able to help her with our newborn. Today I missed holding my newborn, Ember, and being able to spend so much more time with her. Today I missed a family gathering around the living room with my in-laws, sis, and our family for most of the early day. I came home at the end of it, tired, barely able to keep my eyes open. Today I went back to work, because, that’s what my family requires of me, but I didn’t want to go.