Journal Entry 44: what do you want, without asking how?

Jesus, if you're not in it, I don't want it.

Journal Entry 44: what do you want, without asking how?

This question was presented to me in a book by John Eldredge, though I don't remember which one. I read a lot of his works. I let the question sit for over a year, before I finally decided to sit down and write out to Jesus what I truly wanted. I did as the question demanded, I didn't ask how. I left the how to Jesus.

NOTE: If Jesus wants something for you, he can and will make it happen. Now this isn’t always what we wanted to happen. Joseph didn’t want to be enslaved, then imprisoned, but he ended up the 2nd highest ruler in all of Egypt. Joseph was able to save not only Egyptians but his family as well. Don’t ask the how. Let God handle the how.

Almost before my pen met paper I realized I'd been asking myself what I want my whole life. I continued the exercise, writing down my desires. This was no childish list for Santa, and I could see the point in voicing or writing to Jesus what I want, especially when leaving out the how of it. By the end of my list I was fairly satisfied with my desires, but also realized a piece of wisdom, and sadness, within my efforts.

One such desire won’t be much of a surprise. Most of us want some kind of financial stability, and I am no exception. I’ve been in survival mode for so long, almost two decades now, that I don’t remember a time when I was not chained down by bills and budgets. I’m not complaining, as Jesus has blessed us with bills paid, food, and more. I would, however, like the financial freedom to travel, take real vacations, maybe even work from home. But, like I said, this is no surprise, we all, or most of us, want this.

Another desire is to have our business, my writing, and other adventures blessed by Jesus. So far neither are doing much of anything on my end, far as I can tell. I do hope that someone is being given a little bit of Jesus hope/light in their life from my writing. Our business isn’t moving much, but it’s new and I expect that. My writing has a few followers, few random readers, and I hope they are getting something out of these journal entries. But I don’t know, I can only hope.

A big part of what I want is to help others. It may be weird, but I see the ideas in my head like moments in a story, and I want them. I want to give a jug of milk to a mother/father trying to feed their toddler. I want to provide free food out of a food truck and eventually a restaurant for those who just need a gift. I’ve been in those places where everything just keeps piling up on you, and you can’t seem to ever get far enough to rest. If Jesus hadn’t pulled me out of my situations, if family and friends hadn’t been there from time to time to lend me a hand, I don’t know how far down in the depths I’d be right now.

Being lost in the depths of life’s struggles, not drowning, not able to drown, only sinking further into darkness and pressures, sucks. I know this first hand, and I know, thankfully, what it is to have someone, in my case Jesus, family, and friends, help to pull me back up into the light. I’ve never stopped fighting the current. That current still threatens to pull me back down. Yet, thanks to intervention, I am in the light, head above water, able to fight those currents. This brings me to one of my largest goals, Jesus help me make it possible.

I want to buy homes and use those homes to help families get a foothold against the darkness and pressures of life that can seem so unfair sometimes. The whole idea is to provide a family, maybe a single parent with kids, or a whole family who just had a run of misfortunes, a chance to get back on their feet. One of the hardest things to pay for is a home, either by rent or mortgage, especially these days. If I could provide a home, for say one year, rent free, for a family, that would be an opportunity to finally catch a break and build some income.

What about food-stamps, government housing, and the local cities usually have soup-kitchens? There’s even churches in most areas that do food drives, and some in my area that will help with bills if needed. I know these options exist, and I know there’s churches out there that help. There’re programs for single moms and even some popping up for single dads since that’s becoming a thing. I don’t want to take away from these things, I want to be another piece of the plan that helps in Jesus’ name along with these things.

I’ve listed my more major wants. The part I spoke of in the opening about wisdom and sadness is the fact that this is a list made by a man of ignorance more than knowing. I want these things, that doesn’t mean Jesus wants them for me. At the end of the day, with what wisdom I do have, I want Jesus to lead my life not me. I don’t trust me. I don’t know enough, I don’t see enough around me, to trust me over the will of Jesus. This is also a bit sad, not terribly sad, I trust Jesus, but sad in the idea that none of these things I want may be blessed. I may not be meant to go in that direction. I don’t know.

I know I want my life to mean something while I’m here. My mother died a part-time cashier with cancer ravaging her entire body. She was . . . not happy for most of her life. My dad, after years working as a mechanic making 6 digits a year, fighting that current, just got tired and beaten down. He’s a retired bus driver, he likes it, and lives in a tiny home him and his brothers built. It’s not a bad living, and he’s around family, but . . . I want my time here to mean more.

I’m saved, Jesus loves me, and he’s working on me, making me a better man from the inside out. I can’t gain anything extra in eternity from extra actions here on Earth. I know this. Yet, if I’m going to be stuck here on this mortal timeline, I want to be useful. I want to help. I won’t find satisfaction in a selfish lifestyle. I will find meaning, love, friendship, purpose, in a life with Jesus helping others. This journal entry stream I’ve started is part of that desire to do more, a small start but something.

NOTE: Standing around doing nothing while you wait for Jesus to direct you, may work, but it’s not my way. I want things, and I want Jesus’ blessings and path for me, so I start something and see what Jesus does with it.

Trust that Jesus Loves You.