Journal Entry 48: Man
Jesus, if you're not in it, I don't want it.
Journal Entry 48: Man
I want to be a man of God. I want to be that confident soldier walking with Jesus through battle fields. I want to know what the heck that kind of man even is. I feel like a child playing dress-up and barely surviving responsibilities I'm not qualified for. Jesus, how?
I was talking with my cousin last week about being the men of our families. He's fighting the same thing I am, life, bills, family needs, family expectations, and on goes the list. We were kids running the roads on the weekends, and then we became family men. The adjustment between such a life is whiplash that could snap necks. I wasn’t trusted with a nail gun, and now God’s blessed me with a wife, 9 children, and everything that requires . . . Wow.
The man’s image . . . Please, no. There are so many ideas of what a man, a real man, is. He wears jeans, tattoos down one arm, and can ride a steel horse. He can also fix anything, makes millions, and looks good in leggings somehow. I don't prescribe to this. Me, I like my sweat pants, make 3% of a million, and YouTube teaches me how to maybe fix stuff.
What am I fighting? I'm supposed to be a soldier for Jesus Christ. Are my journals fighting back against the dark? Is Rainy and my business a light in the dark? I don't know. Am I a strong dad for my kids? Can my family rely on me? Am I the corner stone for my family like I should be? They need to be able to lean on me, while I lean on Jesus.
What is a real man, well, it ain't nothing to do with tattoos and clothing choices. I've tried my wife's leggings, they feel good, but I look like a crazy guy going through a midlife crisis. I got a tattoo, but I can't convince myself to take money from my family to get me a sleeve like I want. A real man, best I can figure, is a man after God’s own heart. King David, Bible stuff, is maybe the best representative for fellow sinners that aren't Jesus Christ.
David fought with courage and most importantly with faith in God. David danced freely, so free he was just shy of his birthday suit, to praise God. He wrote poetry, showed compassion, and wasn't afraid of combat. David did fail like we do. He cheated in his marriage with another married woman, he failed in parenting in some areas. When he did fail, something not to be overlooked, was the fact that he repented. I don't mean he said sorry, and then ran back to doing the same sin. David cared about his relationship with God. This is a good sign of what a real man is, I think.
There is the obvious choice of an example for a real man, Jesus Christ. Jesus showed us bravery against not just an enemy but also his own friends and those he taught. Jesus showed us wisdom, cunning, social wit. He demonstrated self-sacrifice, not just the cross, but his life of ministry where he lived and served others. He showed us strength and how to stand against the crowd, not letting opinions or otherwise turn him. Jesus is a great role model for how to be a man; I just find a few things more relatable to others like King David who was married, had children, grew up as a younger brother of a large family, and was a sinner who fell short of grace like me.
NOTE: One of my struggles in being a “real” man is my ideas of what that may be has been screwed up by my culture, my timeline, my influences. Thinking of a real man, the main picture that keeps popping up in my head is far from reality. I see a strong man, decent height, some mix of cowboy/adventurer look going on, but a worn look to his clothes that have seen a lot. He’s armed, sometimes with a gun sometimes with a sword, but he’s some kind of warrior of God. He’s hardened in ways that battle and hardships make a man, but yet he smiles defiantly; because, he has Jesus Christ as his companion and friend in this life. This man is cultured through travels where he listens to people, has passion for them, and helps them. He cares, his heart is of Christ, even if his flesh prickles with sin. He’s a man, a man I want to be, but he’s also a fictional character that is larger than life.
Am I a real man . . . I'm trying. This is the only answer that feels true to me. I'm not a soldier, but I'm fighting in what ways I hope Jesus wants from me. These adult responsibilities threaten to crush me, yet, by God’s grace, I'm still standing. As a husband I love and care for my wife. As a dad I give and give, because it's what a child needs, but I also hold down the rules and discipline. As a family man of Jesus I sacrifice, I try to be a decent example, I mess up, but I apologize and try to do better. I work hard, I fix what I can, and with Jesus I keep getting back up each day. Is this a real man, it's at the very least me trying to be the man I think Jesus is trying to build within me.
I'm not the armored knight, the heroic soldier on the hill. I'm a man of God, trying. If I could, I'd be powerful, armor on, fighting the enemy, and rescuing the hurting. I’d also be the old stranger that brings food and healing with a heart to listen. Maybe I will be, in a different format. I don't know about me, but I trust Jesus. I look forward to seeing what he has planned for me. Note, Jesus, please don't let me screw it up.
Trust that Jesus Loves You.