Journal Entry 32: Jesus, do you bless this or call me a fool?

Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 32: Jesus, do you bless this or call me a fool?

There’s a list of article ideas I continue to jot down, so I can later sit down and write them up. This one was the most recent, and so I’m leaping forward several articles and moments in my life that have brought me to this point. I thought about waiting until I’d caught up with other articles first, but this question, the title itself, weighs on my heart too much to write anything else. This said, please forgive me if things seem a little out of order.

First statement I put before every journal entry, ‘Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it,’ is a real thing for me. I don’t want to make money just for money’s sake. Sounds stupid without much foundation behind it, but I’m about to pour some foundation down. I chose the job I have and have had for around 18 years, because it’s a Christian based job. I work at a daycare for a church; where, we teach kids basic levels of education and about Jesus Christ. The job means something, there’s worth behind it, because I serve in a way that brings Jesus Christ forward to others. The kids yes, but also their parents and family members that come to our daycare. There’s more to the job than just a paycheck.

This kind of thinking has grown in my life beyond just a place of employment. My wife and I started a business together, but I couldn’t just have a business to have one. To me this was a waste of time and energy. The business needed purpose, so our business creates stylish clothing and other items along with home-made candles with Jesus at the center of it all. We make cool and interesting clothing that celebrates a strong and loving Jesus. Our candles speak of Jesus on the label and so does our business cards. Jesus is in it, because if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t be either.

Another example is these journal entries I’m doing. I turned to the journal entries to begin something more than just a bunch of articles on random subjects to grab readers and make a profit. I started out that way, throwing up articles almost daily about anything that came to mind, but I soon realized I didn’t like my own works. That’s where these journal entries came in. They come slower, but they’re real life with real points about what it is to be an average Christian living an average life that I hope can help others relate to and gain a little hope, wisdom, and perhaps a laugh with. The journals are my way of actually doing something with my life, like our business, and my job, that upholds Jesus and means something because of that. But, what if I’m wrong, and these things I’m doing Jesus isn’t in it with me?

My job, daycare work at a church, has been a huge blessing several times over and I have no doubt Jesus has been with me through it and the stories of my life. There’ s no doubt there, except the fact that I’m really tired of working there and would like to come home. Older now, my goal, Jesus willing, is to start working at home side by side with my wife and family. I can’t do it without Jesus’ blessing, and I’m not sure I’m getting his blessing in this. What’s my comparison you may be asking:

1.    Fallen from my faith, broken and alone, I was a single father of five kids and no idea how we’d survive. Jesus rescued me and gave me another chance to follow him. I did. I told Jesus if he’s in it, I will rely on him to see that this family has what it needs. My daycare job gave me free childcare, let me leave each morning to take my older kids to school, got me out early to be home when my kids get out of school, and the whole place acted as my family helping me and the kids through the years. Not one bill was missed, food was always in the fridge and dinner at the table. Our needs were always met. Jesus has been in this family helping 24/7.

2.    My heart was for Jesus, but it was walled up against anyone else. Then came Rainy, a beautiful woman that definitely caught my eye, and in 6 months we were married. Almost 7 years of never letting anyone get close, Rainy, like a blessing from God himself, came into my chaotic life and has been a blessing ever since. Also, as if Jesus wanted to add a smile and a wink, Rainy’s parents are career pastors that are about the most genuine and awesome in-laws ever. Jesus blessed me with a woman and even in-laws that I didn’t even think to ask for, and I can feel him smiling at me as I write this. Thanks, Jesus.

3.    Finances, groceries, vehicles and appliances and lions and tigers and bears oh life, hits hard on the regular. This doesn’t seem like a good comparison, but it is. Life, for all of us, rich or poor, saved or unsaved, has its struggles. It’s the fact that even though this single income (not a very high income, either) family continues to survive. Car breaks, a truck is found which also allows a night job that required a truck, so I could pay off some bills. Washer breaks, boss is selling his set for dirt cheap that same weak. Truck breaks, after the night job is completed and done with, and I end up getting what I call my little-red-go-cart, which is much better on gas and fits the family better. Stuff like this keeps happening.

With these examples and a lot more I could tell you, I know Jesus is with us. His word promises once he has us, he’s not letting go, and I’m thankful for that.

28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.

29 My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.

John 10:28-29 KJV

My questioning isn’t if Jesus loves me or not. My questioning is am I wasting time writing these journal entries and chasing after our business? Is this the path I should be going, or am I being a fool? Should I turn around, try something else? Why do I ask this, because I haven’t seen Jesus move on either of these paths except within myself. I feel Jesus when I write; it’s one of the reasons I love to write. I wrote three books, not the best I’ll admit, but I wrote them with a joy and persistence because I felt Jesus speaking to me in certain parts. Several of the designs on our website come from powerful moments where I felt Jesus putting the art on my heart and telling me to make it, so I have. Same with these journal entries, I feel Jesus in my life and the moves he’s making and I write to share this with others. Yet, outwardly, financially, there’s no sign of anyone getting anything from these paths. So I ask myself, Jesus, are you in this or do you think me a fool for chasing after paths you don’t walk?

The Answer: . . . I don’t know. Part of me wants to write 100 journal entries and see where we are afterwards. Far as business years go, our business is still young, infant stage even, so I couldn’t tell you yes or no on it just yet. For now, the verdict is to keep going, keep trying, and see what Jesus does with it. The glorious and yet sad part of it all is if even one person is brought closer to Jesus through our efforts, it’s worth it. The sad part is I’d really like to do more than help just one person. I’d like to be home with my family working on this with them, but I do know this is a selfish desire as much as it is one to help others. Christian authors do it on the daily, so I figure I could try.

I’m not giving up. In five years I could be doing nothing with nothing to show. Or, in five years I could have over 100 journal entries, a business that at least has a lot to select from, and maybe a few more things branching from these. Looking at the options, I’d rather keep at it and hope Jesus is in it rather than throwing it all away and slumping in my chair defeated without other ideas to go on.

Why did I write this, if I knew I didn’t really have an answer if Jesus is or is not in it; because that’s a battle we face on the regular. Christians want to follow Jesus, and we hope we are doing so in our lives and activities, but we don’t always know for certain. I KNOW Jesus is with my family and has been helping us through life. I don’t know if Jesus is with us on the business or journal entries or even the new book, I’m struggling to find time to write. Rather than not speak of this struggle, I wanted to put it out there so others can know it happens and how I’m dealing with it. That’s the point of these journals. Take an ordinary guy trying to live and follow Jesus on this broken planet, and use him/me as an example for others to relate to and maybe learn something from.

Trust that Jesus Loves You.