Journal Entry 31: Pains of Parenting – When Your Children Move Out
Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.
Journal Entry 31: Pains of Parenting – When Your Children Move Out
On this subject I’m on both ends of the parenting life. My previous journal entry spoke of being grounded by my newborn, and that’s true. Rainy and I are proud yet tired parents of a little girl, Ember, who turned 4 months old today. We’re also parents of two daughters in their twenties and now parents of their own baby girls. Our family ain’t small, and there’s a lot of estrogen flooding the branches these years. With older kids that turn adults there’s a new part of parenting I’m learning, being forgotten, and it sucks.
Parents, those who stick around for the job, know that some day their kids will grow up to be adults and leave home one day. This is expected and even hoped for given the age we are living in. I think I saw the latest statistics for the average child to leave home was now up around the age of 28. That’s getting up there. I told my kids, so far as they’re working towards a career or going to school and at least part-time working, they could stay until they’re 24. This seems more than generous to me, but to my surprise my two oldest darted out of here well before they were 24. Things have been difficult for them, sadly, but they are surviving. My oldest son plans on getting his own place once he’s 18, and that’s coming up soon. Though he promised to keep in touch better than his sisters. We’ll see.
The moving out part isn’t what has me upset. We are a big home with a lot going on everyday and sometimes all night as well. My older kids said it truthfully; they want their own space with a little less craziness. I can understand that, even wish upon it for Rainy and I someday. The problem is the loss of relationships. Example being that I use to get several phone calls a week on everything from a new job, school work, raising a newborn, and so on, even politics from my second oldest. For the first time in over a month I finally got a text from my oldest, that’s it. I invited them over for a cook-out, nope. I got a giant blow-up-waterslide, nope, and now the second oldest isn’t speaking to me due to . . . honestly, I’m not sure. I sacrificed and gave up pieces of my heart, so I could be given the silent treatment at 42yrs. Old, really, sigh.
If you’re a parent, you know what you’ve sacrificed. If you’re not a parent, then it’ll be hard to put into words all that goes into it without sounding like several paragraphs of complaining. In short, imagine you’re not only responsible for the most selfish human being on the planet, but that they have no clue that they’re being selfish or that it’s bad to be so. On top of that, try to understand that you love them more than your own life. Seriously, if you had to sacrifice yourself for this little, tiny, diaper filling brat, you would do so. In fact, you do it every day. As a parent you choose to serve and care for your child/children every day and every night over your own needs and desires, because you love them. Then, one day, they leave, and for me, suddenly, communications are down.
Before I get the reply that I didn’t show enough love or enough discipline or enough Bible time or the list goes on and on and on, just know that in every family there’s good times and bad ones. Was I the best dad ever, hah, no, but my kids know I love them and that I care. I’m not the best and would not make such a claim, but I’m far from the worst. Now we have that out of the way let’s move forward.
What did I expect from my kids as they got older and moved away? Well, I don’t know. Truth is I really wasn’t ever sure and had little experience to tell me anything except to hope to Jesus that they didn’t fall into trouble out in the world. What I have envisioned, and hope to come true, is a massive gathering of our family during the holidays as the years rolled on. That would be nice and we’d probably have to rent a space out to accommodate everyone in years to come. That sounds good to me.
My current reality is just hoping to break the silence between me and my second oldest. I’ve texted her, but rarely do I get anything back. My oldest, she’s busy, I’m busy, and for the most part what needs to happen there is to build a routine to check in more often. I think that would help a lot. We both are on speaking terms and enjoy a good conversation even if we rarely hangout, but we’re busy bees taking care of our own hives and that can make you lose track of time and concerns outside of the home.
When I began this journal entry I was in emotional pain, a sort of sadness that weighed on me. The more I type the less depressing all this feels. I started this in one mood, but thinking of the years being their dad, the times we’ve shared, the moments of craziness from good and bad, I don’t know how, but I feel better. It’s weird for me to start a journal entry unable to continue feeling as I was. Makes writing this, or finishing it up, difficult. I still miss my kids’ conversations and laughter. I’m going to keep trying, but I feel better just putting this out there and remembering what we did have. Nice, hah, I’ll take it.
ADVICE: There should definitely be some advice here in this journal, and here it is!
1. Keep checking in at least once a week on your kids, if they’ve moved out. Let them know, even if they’re too busy to talk often, still tell them you love them and you’re here if they need you. I myself need to do better on the weekly check-ins.
2. Live your life. Move on to other things, hobbies, careers, or even better, getting closer to Jesus through adventure and people, once your kids are grown up. Don’t just fall into some rut at your house watching the next latest television show. It’s not worth it.
3. Don’t step away. My dad, I love him, but he basically stepped away from us all and now I rarely hear from him unless I start the conversation first. Don’t do this to your kids, no matter what their age. I don’t need my dad to care for me, but I sure would like it if he was around more often. I’ve told him so; still waiting for it to happen.
I had a plan for the end of this journal entry, but it kind of up and ran out of my head with my change of emotions. Instead, I’ll add a few words to be of some help, I hope.
To New Parents: You’re going to have to sacrifice for your little human. They will be selfish, they will lack any understanding of why they should care, but they will cling to you and love you in the way they know how. They are worth it, and will repay you with giggles, hugs, and by being a light in your life even in the worst of times. God made children with some strange power to put you through all craziness and then melt your heart with a giggle and a hug.
To Parents of Teens: I’m sorry, it’ll pass, hang in there, and know that they are teenagers and this will most likely make them have asshole moments. Keep praying for them and keep an open line of conversation with them even when they don’t.
To Parents of “Adults”: Invite them over, keep communication lines open, and know that they still need you in their lives if only as a person they can trust and love them regardless.
Trust that Jesus Loves You.