Journal Entry 35: Admitting Damage

Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 35: Admitting Damage

          I knew I was broken from my previous marriage’s fallout. Until recently, last week recently, I wasn’t aware how far down the cracks within me went. They go so far that even after a three-day fight with Rainy, my wife, I still struggle with fear and anxiety. The argument’s foundation was trust. Because of our broken world, because of scars we each may bare, this article will divide and probably anger some readers. I have come to my own conclusion, finally. You may or may not agree with me.

          Context:

Rainy is a stay-at-home mom spending her days caring for our children, our home, and sometimes herself. I am no husband that comes home and sits on his butt; while, she does everything. I cook, I help with our kids once I’m home, and so forth, but Rainy is the mother and wife of our home in every real way that deserves trophies and a paycheck I can’t afford to give her. She works hard, she stays up late with our 4-month-old so I can sleep before work, and she still manages to make me feel like the most beloved husband ever.

One of the ways we both deal with stress is playing video games together. Our game of the year it seems is Fallout 76. Basically a first person shooting, looting, crafting, adventure game with a laundry load of things to do and then some. Fallout 76 is an online game, so we can join up with each other, play with others, and just have a chill time together that doesn’t have me sitting, bored, watching some 10-season long show I can’t bring myself to care about. Maybe two/three weeks ago my wife went on a raid with a group of people and made a friend.

Rainy sometimes gets stuck up at night until the a.m. with our baby, so she’ll play. One night she was going on a raid group (basically a group of people fighting their way through a dungeon of obstacles.) The group was fun for her, entertaining with two guys and another woman, and she made a friend with one of the guys. The next day Rainy told me about it, and I told her that was awesome. I was impressed, and slightly jealous, that she’d managed to beat the raid before me. Then, I came home, and Rainy was talking to this guy through the game, in a group, playing together. My insides boiled into a mess faster than a child’s tantrum.

I didn’t react on this boiling mess within me, so I thought. With some adult poise, I thought I was holding myself together and keeping it cool. Rainy, of course, saw through me. “Babe,” she asked me, “if this bothers you, I can unfriend him.”

My Logic: Its just a guy on a video game, no big deal.

My Emotions: He’s going to steal her away from you.

My response was a smile, “nah, it’s fine. I don’t like it, but I know I shouldn’t be bothered by it. It’s fine.”

In less than a week, I decided to tell my wife that I can’t share her, and she can only have women friends, even on games. You can probably guess how well that went down. If you can’t guess, don’t worry, I’ll tell you. A three-day argument that almost destroyed us was the result.

Note: I am, and was, aware of just how crazy my request was. Before we got married I warned Rainy that I was a broken man. Some things I couldn’t handle, one of them being my wife hanging out with guy friends and going out with them. I still feel this way. History and practically my entire life has taught me that men and women eventually cheat, if they hang out with the opposite sex long enough. We’re broken people, sons and daughters of Adam and Eve.

Quick History Lesson on Me:

          Mom cheated on my dad.

          Sister cheated on her husband.

My first fiancé cheated on me, and we called the whole thing off.

My first wife cheated on me for years, and I was too blind to see it until even I couldn’t deny it. This finished off our family. She refused to stop, and I finally got enough courage up to leave her. She got her night life, and I got the house and kids. I won in that arrangement, yet the life of a single father with five kids and a broken heart ain’t easy.

Seven years later I met Rainy, and our fifth anniversary is this Sunday. I made sure not to forget it.

          Returning to the Present:

          The argument that followed was not a complicated one, but a stubborn one. Rainy, always at home and always with the kids, wanted other adults to talk to. I’m cool with her having other female friends, but guys were off limits entirely. I opened up a brewing storm, when I decided to tell her “I can’t share you.” I literally titled the long text that, and yeah, I regret the whole thing. Apparently Titi, Rainy’s sister, wanted to invite Rainy out, but there was always guys around with the girls. Titi is a social butterfly of a woman that likes being surrounded by people. I, by their understanding, was acting like a tyrant keeping Rainy prisoner and not letting her live her life outside of me and the kids.

          Yeah, that text and several more, hurt. But, I still didn’t want Rainy hanging out with Titi in the nightlife that had played a part in destroying my previous marriage. My previous wife was . . . not good, broken for sure, and nothing like Rainy, but the damage was done. I was fighting an anxiety attack at the thought of Rainy going out with a mixed, male and female, group. I’m not exaggerating, I was in pain, fear that threatened to crush me, and a distrust that told me I had already lost Rainy.

          We went back and forth over this same idea for three days. Tears were shed, pain was wrapping us both up like a serpent preparing for its meal. I gave in, by day two, I was done. Rainy wanted the right to go out and spend time with adults and with her sister and have me trust her to return to me. I said, yes, but my heart broke with fear.

          I forced myself to hug her, but I wouldn’t touch her like I normally would. If I passed by her I would make sure to play with her hair, tell her I love her, but on the inside I knew, I just knew, I had lost her. I felt like a poison had been given to our marriage, and though we weren’t separated yet, the time was coming. Some man or some alcohol was going to be the mistake that destroyed my marriage to a woman I’ve given my whole heart to. I love Rainy in a way I’ve never given to anyone, and that is a double edged sword. Anyone whose opened themselves up fully to their loved one will understand.

          Day four, last Sunday morning, I woke up to her in bed next to me. I wanted to grab her and pull her close, hold her, love her, but that poisonous thought of me already losing her kept getting in my way. Laying there, no one in the house awake yet, miraculously, I had to decide to love her fully as I wanted to or step away due to my damage. I had to trust in our love, or I had to give up on our love. I pulled her close, held her, and loved her like it was our wedding night. The poison, something of a wall that held me back from Rainy, broke away.

          I had made my choice, and I was happy with the choice I made. I decided to trust her, love her, and not let my damage decide the future of us.

          Later that day, as my mood had lifted from a depressed stream into a joyful waterfall, Rainy asked me what had changed. I told her the truth. I told her I had felt like I’d already lost her, so, with that pain, I hadn’t been able to bring myself to open up and love her as I had. Then, that morning, I had realized I was destroying our marriage before any man or alcohol could even get the chance. I told her I had decided to trust her, and if we don’t make it in the long run, well, I will love her fully up to the end. But I hoped to have her forever, and I hope she proves my history lessons wrong. Rainy is an amazing woman, so I have hope.

          The decision, the choice, wasn’t and isn’t an easy one, but it was, for me, the right one. Rainy is out with her sister tonight, and I am happy for her. She works hard, rarely gets a break, and so she and Titi are out enjoying some adult time without kids. Rainy deserves this, and I hope this doesn’t turn into the darkness that haunts my past. This was the best decision for me, and the only one I could see that didn’t drive a wedge between us. Is it risky, am I taking a chance, yes. Is Rainy worth it, definitely.

Trust that Jesus Loves You.