Journal Entry 37: Replacing Broken Armor
Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.
Journal Entry 37: Replacing Broken Armor
“I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.” Romans 7:21-25 KJV
I can’t tell you the theological definition of what Paul meant, when he spoke the words of the verse above. That kind of research can be helpful or confusing. When God placed this verse within me, it was inspirational within my situation. If Paul, someone far closer to God, far humbler and more self-sacrificing, struggled to do good because of the evil within his flesh; I should expect similar struggles within myself. I can forgive myself for having similar struggles.
When God reminded me of Romans 7, I was struggling. Seemed like every day I was calling out to Jesus for help against an evil I didn’t want to deal with and I didn’t understand why it was there at all. Then this verse, Romans 7: 21-25, showed up like an urgent text within my head and I breathed a little easier. Right there at work I stopped what I was doing, my emotions a mess, my heart off beat from the battles within me, and I prayed to Jesus.
“I admit defeat. I don’t have the wisdom to understand. I don’t have the purity to see. I don’t have the strength to do what is right. I still fall short of righteousness. I can’t do this without you, Jesus.”
I hadn’t realized I was trying to do this adventure of life on my own. That’s not possible. I prayed to Jesus, I begged for help, I knew I needed help, but I was trying to fight against sin as if it was my battle alone. As if Jesus saving me was the end of his part, and now I had to trudge through life’s battles like some forgotten soldier trying to make it home. Rediculous, Paul couldn’t fight these battles on his own and he’s one of the greatest apostles known! Me, a stumbling Christian raised in the comforts and foolishness of our age doesn’t stand a chance on my own.
“I admit defeat.” Relief came on me with burdens lifted like broken armor pieces falling away. I wasn’t a failure. I wasn’t stupid and weak. I was human, and though I was saved my flesh was still broken flesh. Once saved by Jesus he creates a new, beautiful, heart within you, but your flesh is still the flesh of this world (meaning that sinful nature, that sinful desire, is still upon you.) This is no excuse to fall. This is a warrior on a battlefield more grand than he/I can understand and finally admitting I can’t do this on my own. No battle is won by a lone soldier, not in real life. I had to admit defeat, so that I could let Jesus lead.
“I don’t have the wisdom to understand.” We live in an age of Google and YouTube; where I can learn just about anything I want wherever I want and when I want. Yet, there I was relying on my own basic understandings instead of God’s wisdom. The Bible tells us to lean on Jesus, to pray and study God’s word daily, because we need such wisdom to survive the attacks of sin and evil. Jesus didn’t create a new, inspiring, argument to rebuke Satan’s attacks. Jesus used scripture, something we have access to even 2,000 years later.
“I don’t have the purity to see.” On a daily basis I am rebuking negative thoughts, lustful thoughts, disturbing thoughts, and so forth. Sometimes I fail to rebuke thoughts I either like too much or break me down so low I lack the strength to push back. Jesus stood against the temptations, the sin of others, the lust of the world, and evil did not have a hold on him. I don’t have that. For people like me lacking in purity I’ve found the best course is prayer and a good book by people that understand the bible better than I do. If I try to fight these things on my own, I lose.
“I don’t have the strength to do what is right.” This journal project is about being true and talking through my own experiences, and I can tell you with some shame but also understanding I am human, that I lack the strength to do what is right. I wish I was strong all the time, but I’m not. Right now, I’m fighting in my head if I should go get some orange juice and a bottle of tequila to start the weekend. Drinking is not a sin. But for me I have to be careful I don’t let it become a habit that turns me into a drunkard that needs that next drink. I have been there before. This is only one example.
“I still fall short of righteousness.” Christians are saved, rescued by the grace of Jesus’ sacrifice and love. This is true and wonderful, but I think people, Christians and unsaved alike, mistake this being saved for also being righteous. I am saved. Jesus has given me a new heart in him, but I am still of this broken world for now. My flesh is the broken sinful flesh of this broken world. My mind and desires still intertwine with good and evil in ways I’m still trying to fix. Christians are battling sinful desires too; the difference is Christians have a new heart and a better knowing of their friend and king Jesus.
“I can’t do this without, Jesus.” For those who know Jesus and have him, this will seem like commonsense. I know. For me something snapped into place that day in the kitchen at work, a relief, an understanding that I can’t do this alone. I can’t do it alone. Jesus is with me, and he wants to walk this path with me. God wants to take us on an adventure so bold, so daring, that we won’t survive without him. Life isn’t just about getting saved and then waiting to be beamed up to heaven. Life is meant to be lived, enjoyed, and used to help others along the way WITH JESUS. 23yrs of being saved, and I’m still having to be reminded of this.
Trust that Jesus Loves You.