Journal Entry 38: Loving an Epiphany

Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 38: Loving an Epiphany

          My last article Replacing Broken Armor is rooted in the damage that has been done to my heart over the years along with me having to face that damage. The damage created a fear in me that I’m having trouble stomping out. This same fear and damage brought me something else too, understanding. Somewhere in the mess of a storm between Rainy and I that came to an agreement surrounded by fear on my part, I realized what I want, truly want, or better, need. My epiphany may seem silly, obvious perhaps, but it is love.

          Love . . . really, I can hear the sighs of boredom in the back of my head. I laugh with you all, it is simple, but it’s true. When you really think about it, deep within yourself, what do you want?

          I want a truck, but it’s not a need or even a great desire. My last truck broke on me, and I liked that truck. I do miss that truck, and it was useful, but not a desperate need.

          I want financial security, freedom to move and enjoy life instead of surviving it most of the time. This is a strong desire within me, but it’s not a need. My family is sheltered, food is on the table every meal, and the bills are paid. We’re good. I should be thankful, as so many others in the world want what I already have.

          I want adventure, to go climb mountains, sail the seas to visit other countries like Japan and Ireland, but again, this is a desire not a need.

          Love, to have true love that doesn’t fail, love that embraces and never falters, is a need within my soul. I don’t want to just have that love, I want the ability to give that love back without my defenses always going up ready to be hurt or failed. How much of this world is worth chasing compared to having a handful of people you can truly love and be loved by? For me, the world is worth very little in comparison.

          What’s the problem then? Two things, first,  I don’t know how to get around my own defenses. My barrier that I’ve built over a lifetime keeps me from fully trusting, fully giving all of myself to someone. This in turn keeps me from truly and fully loving anyone. I have given more of myself over to Rainy, my wife, than I’ve given to anyone, ever, and this has taken baby steps and difficult amounts of trust. Giving so much of myself leaves me open to being hurt. A stranger may be able to physically harm me, but it's those closes to us that can truly cause us the greatest of pains.

Rainy hasn’t hurt me, she’s been an amazing wife in a way I didn’t think existed; which, is why I can share as much of my heart with her as I have. Yet, there’s still this barrier within me. I can take a punch. I've never been so badly beaten that I didn't heal from it. I have been put down though, hard. When a loved one hurts you, betrays you, those wounds can last a lifetime. They can create barriers between your heart and others.

          This barrier is not something weird within me. Rainy has admitted she has trouble sharing her feelings and being fully open; because, of her own history and the barriers she’s created. This is the second problem in wanting to be truly loved. Other people can't give it, because they're broken and have barriers of their own. Rainy and I are working on this. There's no quick fix that we're aware of. This is a process that takes time, open conversation, trust built by giving it and not abusing it. Five years into our marriage we've unlocked a lot of doors and there's still plenty more to go through.  Adults, probably long before adulthood, create barriers and defenses to protect their wounded hearts. You can't fix this kind of pain and defensiveness over night.

So, wrapping up, getting to the point, what is my end goal to help make this desire a possibility? You can probably guess, Jesus.

          I want to love in the way Jesus does. Jesus, knowing good and well what he was getting into, became human, a man of mortal issues like us, out of love for us. I want that kind of love, that kind of courage to love. Jesus knew we would kill him. He knew we would not return the love he gave. I want to mimic Jesus’s love and the strength to give such love even if I don't get it back.

To achieve this I have to start with the person that showed us how, Jesus. I do have one person that loves me fully even though he truly knows me and all my foolishness, Jesus. How to start with Jesus, well, like any relationship, you get to know the person. Jesus’s life story is written down for us and shows us what it took to walk in love in what was basically a battlefield with rocks for pillows and demons at every town. Jesus did it anyways, because of love.

I want to be truly loved, but I can't make someone fully love me. What I can control/work on, is me fully loving others. This will take courage, it will hurt, but we have to start somewhere, and more often than not we have to start within ourselves.

When I was confronted with my brokenness, which amounts to trust and betrayal, my fear was made evident. I don't want to get hurt like I did last time. I don't want to feel that pain ever again.

I asked Jesus, “what if I get hurt again, what if this ends badly?”

First reply was more of a feeling, like Jesus was having me acknowledge the pain I cause, but yet he loves me anyways. Felt like a lesson, and I got the meaning. I may be wording it badly here though.

My next reply was an answer. “Love her anyways.” I’m afraid to trust and be completely open for fear of a pain I know too well. A pain that almost destroyed me. I was hurting Rainy and our marriage through fear of something she hadn't done and may never do. And Jesus replied to me, “Love her anyways.” As in stop letting old wounds destroy new love. Hope and love in Rainy now. Even if there is the possibility of being hurt, love anyways.

I am trying, and I will keep trying to love fully. I couldn't have asked for a better woman to love than Rainy, so I'll keep pulling down barriers and opening up to a love Jesus shows us all.

Note: You may notice as you read that I make no mention of my children. There's a reason for this, and I thought it best to share it instead of just leaving this empty of reason. I didn't include my kids in this, because a parent’s love for their children is one sided. A child can love their parent's, but not a selfless, self sacrificing, love like a parent to their child. At least not until the child matures in life over a few decades. A parent of love will take pain and even disgust from their children from time to time and still love them anyways. This is why I left out this type of relationship. If you have children you'll understand.

Trust that Jesus Loves You.

Look Rainy and I up on HisWoodHerArt.com to see our growing business.