Journal Entry 39: No.

Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.

Journal Entry 39: No.

          I would ask if you’ve ever experienced one of those days where things just aren’t right, but I doubt there’s people who haven’t experienced such a day. Today nothing has gone terribly wrong, no great loss or great gain, just . . . blandness to the point of almost a depression. For me it feels like a tense feeling, like I have to control my reactions against simple, every day, things or I’ll let the ‘asshole’ side of me vomit forth. Rainy is exhausted and seems like she’s fighting back an ocean of stress threatening to overwhelm her. Both of us, without much of anything out of the norm, seem to be facing a dark day.

          Trying to write today feels like a battle within itself. This is the 4th or 5th journal topic I’ve tried to write in the last couple of hours and have nothing to show for it. I finally gave up on the other topics I was going to share and went with this sour piece of work you’re reading now. Writing about ‘One of Those Days’ isn’t fun or easy, but it seems to me a reality we all face. Being a journal based on the realities of everyday life, I will attempt to write this journal entry. The hard part behind this is that I have to search my own emotions and feelings at a time when they feel like they’d betray me if I let them.

2 Hours Later:

No.

I had to step away, put on some music, and get in some prayer time.

          Bedtime has come for most of the house, including Rainy, tonight. She was done with the day and went to bed. Taking care of a 5month old rips sleep out of your life, so she’s in need of rest.

          This article was looking like a pitiful thing. Yes, the day has been a depressing one, apparently for me and Rainy, but I can’t let that become me. I have a weakness in me, and if I settle into it, I’ll fail. These journal pages will stop coming, our business will fade away, and I’ll end up losing years to some distraction or addiction. I know this, because it happened before. Weakness is different for each of us. I’ve learned mine, been lost within it, and I pray Jesus snatches me back up on my feet and away from my darkness forever more.

          Strength isn’t never admitting weakness. Trying to pretend you have no weakness is a blind man’s game doomed to leave you tripped up in some gutter. Strength is admitting weakness, and then finding the will, the help, for me I go to Jesus, to overcome that weakness. These weaknesses, yes there’s usually more than one, don’t just vanish after you overcome them either. I still feel the tug of the liquor bottle. My lust still tries to steer me towards porn. Depression, perhaps self-doubt, or laziness (probably a mix of the three) tries, often, to get me to give-up; when things don’t happen fast enough.

          These struggles are part of what I felt today, but it was more like a suffocating cloud that was trying to hold me down. The whole day, stepping back and trying to look in on my own life, this day seems like spiritual warfare. I’m no expert in this area, far from it. I do believe it is real, but I’m still a new student in this area of faith. Yet, this day does feel like an outer force was pushing down on me, and apparently Rainy too. I came home to her in a similar mood to my own. I didn’t help. Instead I made things worse with my own sour mood. It took half the night; before I finally made a move in a better direction.

          I was sitting here at this computer trying to write this journal entry, and it wasn’t going anywhere. Two of my girls were laughing in the background, playing with my hat on their head, and this helped, but it wasn’t enough. Behind me, looking beaten down and beyond tired, Rainy was sitting half on the couch with her phone lazily in her hand. Something in me, I say the Holy Spirit, you call it what you will, told me to get up. I didn’t want to, but I did it anyways. I’m a fool. Holy Spirit is not a fool, so I try to listen the best I can. Guess what, Holy Spirit was right.

          I left my seat, sat down at Rainy’s feet, wrapped my arms around her thigh, and just rested my head against her. One hand rubbed her leg softly, and I told her I love her. Now, my next question might seem weird, but sometimes a woman wants to be left alone. Kids on her all day, emotions overwhelming, the last thing a woman will want sometimes is to be touched. So my next question, some of you will understand. “Is this helping?” Another words, do you need me to get off you and leave you alone for the moment, but asked in a more civil way. Rainy began to run her fingers over my semi bald head, and told me, yes, I was helping.

          That was all it took. The heavens didn’t shout for joy, both of us were still tired, but the barrier between us that had persisted that evening was gone. Love had overcome whatever it was, demon, depression, stress, life, whatever it was that stood between us, love kicked it out of our way. Holy Spirit got good ideas, you should listen to him when he speaks. I’m trying to get better at it. Can’t say I listen all the time, but I’m sure glad I listened tonight.

          Questions that need answering are: What changed the day from a depressive crud that it was? What overtook the darkness and replaced it with loving affection, healing, and finally me sitting here writing a journal worth writing?

1.    Admitting something was wrong inside of me.

I could have blamed work, life, my responsibilities. I could have blamed anyone and anything, but I instead admitted there was something wrong going on within myself. When I first came home Rainy wasn’t down and out, she was tired but not defeated. My mood, my sour words, pulled her down with me. If I’d came home and lifted her up, been a better man and dealt with my issues through prayer with Jesus instead of sitting on them, Rainy’s afternoon, her evening, would have been better.

I’ll probably write an entire journal entry about this topic someday, but men, call it unfair, call it whatever you want, but you are the corner stone of your God given family. If you fall, they fall. If you stomp around the house in a bad mood, they suffer. If you give up because life is too hard, they inherent your weakness. If you live for you and only you, they will fade away. Men, by God given rights and blessings and responsibility, you are the corner stone of your family. You lean on Jesus, they lean on you and learn to lean on Jesus through you. It has taken me too long to learn this lesson. I hope others learn it sooner than I did.

2.    I listened.

Holy Spirit in me told me to get up, go love your wife. If you’re not saved, if you’re not with Jesus, I don’t know what to tell you except keep trying out that bible, keep searching out books on Jesus (I recommend John Eldredge, great Christian author.) Outside of this, be humble, be open, and try to love them even when you don’t feel like it. This will be hard without Jesus to help you.

3.    Take a step back. I knew something was wrong, and I knew I needed help. I put on Christian music, and I prayed/talked to Jesus.

In the past I would have just slipped into a video game or called it a night and went to sleep. There is an easiness to just giving up and moving onto something else. Many a times I’ve thought about scrapping this journaling project, because I haven’t seen results yet. That’s easy. That’s lazy. Instead I got a cup of coffee, hung out with my wife and baby before I had to go get two of our kids from teen night at church. On the way to the church, I put on inspirational Christian music, and I talked to Jesus. That’s what prayer is, talking to Jesus. Then, I saw this journal entry change. I saw clear as day and powerful like Jesus had slapped the word up there himself. I saw me saying, no. I wasn’t going to let this darkness own me, I wasn’t going to bow down and give up, no. Jesus had a better plan for tonight, and I listened to him, went to him, and I expected his help. I got it, and I came back here tonight, and I typed that word in, no. From that point on this journal entry began to change and grow into something I hope helps others and shines some light into those dark places.

Jesus didn’t say we wouldn’t struggle as Christians. He never said that. Jesus told us there would be struggles, plenty of them. But we get Jesus, we get the Holy Spirit, and that changes everything.

Trust that Jesus Loves You.