Journal Entry 40: Failure Is Giving Up

Jesus, if you're not in it, I don't want it.

Journal Entry 40: Failure Is Giving Up

“I am not worthy.” Fighting back tears, jaw clenched, I admitted those words to Jesus.

“No, your not.” Jesus replied to my agony with a half smile like he was holding back a laugh. “But I’m here anyways.”

A little thrown off by Jesus’ reply, I tried again. “I'm a failure.” I declared bitterly.

Jesus gently shook his head, no. “You're only a failure if you stop trying.”

I am not worthy. We can't ever be worthy, but Jesus rescues us anyways.

          Worthiness, it's a trap. We come from God, the being where love, truth, honor, mercy, joyful laughter, and so much more comes out of God into our world. God is by his own right, perfection. We, well, we're something else, and that something else is far from worthy. We simply can't live up to such perfection, and we prove this everyday. Thankfully, Jesus continues to show up anyways.

Adam and Eve walked with God. They knew him personally, and they lived in God’s garden that he created for them. Did they prove their worthiness for heaven and God's love, no. That same shame within them lives on in us. Yet, God knew he would save us. God sent Jesus to earth to die for us, to buy us back from our own sin. And though it was a terrible thing to suffer, Jesus went through it all the way to the end and then defeated what was to be our end, death. Jesus defeated death, for us. He didn't do it because we were worthy. If we'd been worthy none of this would have been needed. Jesus did it because he and the father loves us.

Alright, got it, we’re not worthy, now what? Understanding helps form relationships. You can’t love someone, if you don’t know them. Same rule applies to friendships, lovers, family, any real relationship. If you never knew your mother or your father, even though you want to love them, you can’t. If you want to be a friend and have friends, real ones beyond social media and clicks, you have to invest in those friendships, get to know one another. Jesus wants a relationship with us, and we can’t wait until we’re worthy to try and have that relationship.

Someone once told me, “you don’t wait until they’ve cleaned up their act and become a better person before you introduce them to Jesus. Jesus wants them now, when they’re dirty and/or sick, so he can help them get better from the inside out.”

When I came to Jesus, I was 19, suicidal, lost in my own mind, playing with drugs and drink, and hate. I hated the world, I hated people, I hated myself most of all. I was a liar, a thief, a coward, and only getting worse; when, I curled up on my bed that night and cried out to Jesus. I was so unworthy it was laughable for me to even try, and yet, Jesus showed up anyways. Jesus saved me that night, against all my filth and foolishness, Jesus showed me grace because he loves me. He’ll do the same for anyone willing to come to him.

Don’t wait until you think you’re good enough for Jesus. Jesus wants you right now, because he wants to help you, because he loves you. You are loved, even if you don’t think you deserve it. I got saved, and Jesus went to work on me by giving me a new heart, a heart from him. He’s been working on me ever since.

     I am not a failure. We will fall down, we will make mistakes, but so long as we continue to lean on Jesus and keep going, we aren’t failures.

     Jesus has been working on me since I was saved back when I was 19. I’m still not worthy, but Jesus is still with me. I have failed in many ways, some are pathetically embarrassing ways I may share with you someday. The point today is that it’s ok to fall down and get hurt. I thought myself a failure, because I’ve lost so many years to the enemy and to distractions even after I got saved. God could have used me for so much more, but I let myself get taken out of the battle by foolish things. Yet, those are my failures, but they are not the end of my story. As Jesus told me, I’m only a failure when I stop trying.

We’re all going to fail, fall, get hurt on the road of Christianity. Jesus promises us such struggles. It’s not that you fall down; what matters is that you take Jesus’ hand, get back up on your feet, and you keep moving forward with Jesus. I lost years to life’s struggles and distractions or just my own selfish desires. If I let that be an excuse to leave me defeated for the rest of my years, then I’ve failed and lost. But, if I accept that I failed, learn from that failure, and keep moving forward with Jesus then I am still in this fight. Jesus/God can use a wounded soldier to still be a light in the dark. I’d rather be that wounded soldier, carrying a light (even if it’s a flickering candle), rather than a defeated lump who refuses the journey.

What if my light is only a flickering, dying candle?

Carry it anyways.

This Christian life, a life saved by grace, is an endurance race. You don’t have to be the fastest, you don’t have to be the strongest, you don’t even need to worry about being the brightest, you just need to endure it with Jesus (That part is important, with Jesus. You’re not alone.) When I was entering local runs, I didn’t train to be 1st. That wasn’t my goal. I was new to the races, so my goal was to endure. I was to endure the fatigue, endure the muscle aches, and endure the exhaustion all the way to the finish line, and I did. The reward for making it to the finish line was plenty enough for me, because, I knew I’d endured the journey.

Some of the journey you will be a great fire for others and help them on their path with Jesus. There will be other parts of the journey where you run with the pack being a light amongst lights helping each other. Then there will be those times when you can barely walk, when you’ve fallen so many times you don’t want to count them. Those are the times when you’ll see your light being a dying candle, and you must endure. Jesus is right there with you, he’s helping you keep that flickering flame from going out. Jesus will not let that light die, he loves you too much.

Carry it anyways, because Jesus isn’t finished with your journey yet. You will eventually make it to the finish line, but until you do, even on the hardest days keep going knowing Jesus is right there with you. You can’t fail, if you don’t give up.

Trust that Jesus Loves You.