Journal Entry 41: Just Another Day
Jesus, if you’re not in it, I don’t want it.
Journal Entry 41: Just Another Day
Writer’s block be hitting me hard lately. It’s not the lack of a topic. I have plenty going on in my life and the life of my family to give me a plethora of topics. My mind doesn’t seem to want to get to work on any of them. There’s usually an excuse to not start, such as now when I’m struggling to get past my own rough feelings of annoyance. These feelings, this strong emotion that is a mix between anger, confusion, loss, and just a ball of frustration doesn’t want to move.
Took a break from this article and then forced myself to come back and get to typing.
Just another day:
I’m fairly certain that the majority of us have those days, those overwhelming, life is happening, kind of days. I feel like that’s been us for the last two weeks! There’s a growing tradition within our family and we’re not the exception, I’m finding out. Every new school year when the kids start back to school, our house gets hit with colds, stomach viruses, and whatever else is circling out there. This isn’t hard to understand, if you think about it or are riding the same storm each year too.
The start of school means the grouping of thousands of children together within the confines of hallways and classrooms that usually don’t believe in opening a window. This, if you can follow me to a small jump of understanding, is a germ festival every . . . single . . . year. Three of our children are in school this year, two in middle school, and one in elementary school. Add this to the fact that I work at a daycare where little kids have older siblings that go off to school, and our home becomes a truck stop of germs and viruses.
This year the truck stop took about 3 weeks of school being in session; before, a stomach virus and some type of cold struck our family. If you have a large family, you know this stuff doesn’t just hit one person and leave, oh no, the circle of life/sickness begins. Rainy, being the awesome wife she is, took care of one sick child after another for almost two weeks; before she went down herself. The trade off is that she handles the nights, so I can get to work in the mornings, but I take over when I get home, so she can get a break. This trade off works well when neither of us is sick, but once we start to go down, the balance is lost.
Last week Rainy crashed with sickness for four days during the week and then I crashed Friday night and didn’t get my senses back until around Sunday evening. We were exhausted. Sickness is bad enough, but when you’re a parent your kids don’t care if you’re sick. They need you up and running regardless, especially the younger ones that can’t really take care of themselves. So, yes, we were completely exhausted.
Last week kicked our combined butts, yet we did survive the trials by sickness. We always survive the trial, and we know it’ll pass eventually, but that’s the thing, it’s just another day. We all have them. If it’s not sickness it’s something else. This Monday I got up, after snoozing through my 4am alarm, I did get up at my 4:50am alarm to start my Monday.
Monday began with a car ride turned damn near anxiety attack about money, bills, and just how easily things could fall apart and I fail my family. I’m not kidding, my 20min. car ride to work almost had me shaking with cold sweats over failing to care for my family; when, I’d only been thinking about the monthly bills. Bills, I must add here, that I know I can pay! I had to stop my thought process, with effort, and call out to Jesus. I had to remind myself that Jesus had been taking care of me and those he’s blessed me with for years now. Finally, after speaking and calling out to Jesus the morning shifted to more of a relaxed state.
Still on Monday, beyond the morning anxiety of bills, I found myself job searching on my phone at work. ‘What could I do that would bring in more money?’ I was asking myself. I looked over the house budget several times on my phone trying to find holes where I could improve a budget I’ve gone over more times than sanity would be comfortable with. My faith in Jesus was struggling that day in a way that felt outside of myself. I felt like I was watching myself fall apart.
There in my work kitchen I could see myself losing it for no real reason other than I wasn’t where I wanted to be financially for my family. The bills are paid, food is stocked up each week with full plates and bowls every meal, and my kids lacked for nothing except name brand shoes for hundreds of dollars. (Rant: Which, by the way, I wouldn’t buy them anyways, because I’m not paying a clothing line hundreds of dollars for a product that won’t do any better than its competition in the day-to-day grind. Not going to do it.) I was having one of those days, where, after two weeks of sickness, bills that keep coming, a job that is a good job if not a little crazy, wants and desires struggling with responsibilities and daily tasks, my brain and my heart had failed to align.
‘One of those days,’ after so much, struck me with a homerun kind of swing. Jesus had to work on me a lot that day. I’m humble enough, and messed up enough I guess, to admit that Jesus has to work on me every day, but this last Monday was an hours of overtime kind of day. So, if you think you’re alone on such days, if you believe it’s something that only happens to you and not others, you’re officially corrected. Those days, those crazy days when you’ve just dealt with too much for too long, and you feel yourself crack, those days happen to all of us, if not all then 99% of us. You’re not alone.
Christians get sick, and so do our kids. We’re right there running with a bathroom trashcan trying to catch the puke before it hits the floor. Gross, I know, but if you’ve experienced then you know how true I’m being.
Christians struggle through the day to day grind hoping for something better. I will say that Christian or not, don’t just hope for something better, start taking steps to get somewhere better. Rainy and I have started several steps towards what we hope will be a better position later in life, and as Christians we’re praying and hoping on Jesus every step of the way.
Christians struggle with bills, responsibilities, and that 9-5 job that may or may not be fulfilling but keeps the lights on.
My point is, Christians struggle. If you’re not a Christian, I’m not trying to dissuade you from following Jesus, I’m being real. Jesus helps me through my every day and he’s rescued me countless times. I have hope and I have my king, my friend Jesus to go to and know that he hears me. This helps A LOT.
I’m also putting this out there for Christians. If you’re struggling, maybe it’s something you’re not doing right, possibly, maybe not. Maybe it’s life, and God is letting you experience the struggle to make you stronger on the other side of that struggle. The point is, you’re not alone. Christians struggle, and that does not determine God’s love for you. God loves you, Jesus loves you, but yes, there will be struggles and hardships along the way. I don’t like it, but I’ll admit I’ve grown stronger with Jesus as I’ve survived these hardships.
You’re not alone, and you’re not the only one. Today I got butt hurt, because my sister and her boyfriend are finically rocking it right now. I’m happy for them, but I was angry that Rainy and I were still struggling even after all we’ve been trying to do to get ahead. Again, we have no real problems, but financially I want to be somewhere else and we’re not there yet, so I let some frustration and anger, like a child, turn me bitter this evening.
That bitterness is where I had to walk away from this a moment and then came back. You’re not alone, and you’re not the only one. It’s ok to be frustrated, it is ok to struggle, it is ok to cry and scream if it helps let it out. Just know, Jesus does love you, he’s not given up on you, and maybe like with me, he’s putting in the extra hours to do some work on you to make you better in the long run.
Trust that Jesus Loves You.